The depth of the fear and feeling of being unloved. The ocean of people who are not including me. The wound is deep and only healed from the surface in a way that any little prick can make it bleed. Oh how it manifests in so many ways.
I had my first date with a really hot guy planned. This would’ve been the first time we met but also, he is the best looking man I have ever been involved with. I have almost always had relationships with people who are not as attractive as me. Sure, attractiveness is hugely subjective, but I’m talking from my point of view. It’s very clear to me why this is. I feel that when I am the more beautiful partner, I will not be left as easily and have more power. Yes, that’s it. I want to be loved but also have power. I want to be sure that the other one will come back to me. And my recipe for that has always been choosing partners who are less attractive than me.
When I’m in the presence of a very attractive man, I make myself incredibly small. I become a non person who wants to disappear inside the earth. I don’t think I am in anyway on their level. I also believe that an attractive man will cheat and lie to me. They will leave me in a heart beat. So what makes me so leavable? I think I am too dark, too contemplative and not much fun at all. I have recently reawakened my sexuality and this is a power that I do not quite know how to ride yet. I will write a whole host of posts on sexuality at a later date.
So unloved, alone. Have to grasp into anything I can get. If my partner shows love or romantic interest to someone else, I get so jealous. However, I let myself have multiple infatuations. Everyone love me because I don’t love me!
Please can I have the light cast on these fears fully and let go. Thank you, thank you, thank you.