Relationships are the best catalysts and mirrors for this shadow shit. It brings all sorts of crap to the surface that you never thought you were harbouring. I used to just think that there’s something deeply flawed in me for not staying in a relationship for very long. Now I see that I outgrow them very fast.
So what’s going on in the current one? First of all, it’s an open relationship. I date other people too when I have time or will. He from the beginning didn’t the profile of someone I could imagine being with. There’s been an endless amount of pain as I’ve twistex and turned in it’s details. He has been deeply involved with his ex-girlfriends and boyfriends all through the six months of this relationship. Almost all people in his life are based on a sexual or romantic connection. I have come to accept that more and moved onto dispersing my sexual energy to multiple people. But for the first months it brought up nothing but jealousy. ‘How could he, I’m so much hotter than him or any of the people he flirts with’. Oh yes, there’s that one who values herself and others based on their looks. More on this…
So after numerous deaths and rebirths of this relationship we hage both transformed swiftly. He is showing me his vulnerability and I love that. He is not hiding under detachment so much and that makes the exchange of energy so much free. Our sexual connection has always been amazing as we have released so much already on that front. But why do I keep coming up with new reasons why he is not the one. Now it’s the way we are unmatched with looks. The thought of ‘I can do better’ lingers despite of my genuine love to him. We have a lot of fun too. We dance!
So now I’m asking it to become clear, is this just my fear of nit being special enough. Surely a hot boyfriend makes you look like you’ve got something special about you. Or is it that we are not supposed to be. Please let me see the truth though this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.