I Am the Monkey

What you resist persists. I have heard this so many times and rephrased in so many ways. As I go thru layers and layers of sludge, I find more and more things that I’m resisting. You know that experiment, where a monkey is given a box with a hole and a banana in it. The monkey puts her hand in the box and grabs the banana. But the shape of the whole is so that the she can’t take her hand out when it’s grabbing the treat. But the monkey wantw the banana so bad it won’t let go and therefore has her hand stuck and no banana. That!

There’s a permanent clentch in my stomach, just above the solar plexus. Same on my throat.  I’ve had so many talks and down right arguements with it. It says ‘listen woman, the piano will drop on your head at any point so we better be ready’. According to it, it can come pretty much anytime.  This of course is learned so amazingly it can’t be a permanent part of anything. In my case it’s the dear old family environment.  Psychologists wet dream (which is probably the reason I went to study psychology, to try and understand what the hell was going on there). But that all has been analysed to death and a lot forgiven, we need to come from a different angle.

So all I can do is practice is forgiveness/love, which is ultimately breathing. I’m dropping into the clench and feeling every little bit of it.  I frequently forget but I also forgive myself. Pain, please tell me what you have to say. I’m listening. 

Love,

Woman A

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