I keep meeting a weepy little creature on a regular basis. She is a fragile flower scared of the big boys. The big boys are mean and make fun of her in those corners of the play ground where the parents’ eyes are blind. That place where the scary kids try cigarettes and kissing. She wants to run for mama, but mama can’t see. Or maybe she is busy elsewhere doing the laundry or something.
My emotional reactions are grande. They come as waves or house sized tsunamis. They are the result of the sensitive one being scared of the harshness of the others. The sensitive one wants to hide in someone else’s armpit. She is calling for someone strong and supportive, but instead she keeps getting the cold or the weak. She feels that she will not be able to take any more. Even a hint of harshness and she wants to bury herself deep.
I behave like a drama queen. If you look at my life and you might say that my reactions are legit. Sure, I have some pretty weird stuff going on from the point of view of my 47 year old mother of one colleague Sarah. She would freak listening to the instability that I regularly hangout in. But hell, I must be attracting this somehow. How else would I be in constant mess. I want to scream at my boyfriend for having other lovers in his life. I want to tell him to crack open and stop being so distant and walled up. Aaaaaarrrggghh!!! I want you to save me but you are nowhere near doing that. You make me insane with the twisted answers you give me with the level of Mr Trump. My friends say, leave. My spiritual friends say, thank the universe for such an opportunity to let all your fears come up. But I want respite! I want to hold my hands up and give up. I want to feel good! I just want to feel good!!! I’m scared of feeling bad. I’m sacred of not having anyone to rely on to take bad feelings away. Or really it’s just the hope I’m clinging onto. Nobody has so far come and erased the shitty feelings.
Who will console the little creature? Is that my job too? Show me how and I’ll do it, I promise.
Weirdly it has taken about zillion iterations to realise how this ego is pretty much entirely constructed around feeling bad. I have learned from childhood that feeling bad is me. I start my mornings by feeling bad. I always did. I anticipate something horrible to happen from go. That’s the me that I have gotten to know. Now I need to show it love and say there-there – the big one will take it from here. Surrender! But the little voice is still shouting for someone to love her. Someone big to come and say, ‘you are enough’, ‘it’s all going to be okay’, ‘I’ve got you’. All of that stuff.
As ever, I am here to set the intention of seeing all of this without filters and in truth. Thank you, I’m sorry, I love you!