Breakdown! It’s happening here right now. I am sick at home and there is no way of distracting myself from the disconnection of my own heart. There is no hope. That’s good, right? No illusions? Is this a state of honesty?
What do we normally do when we feel like shit? My previous favourites have been drinking, drugs, getting someone to say how much they love me, having sex with someone who I only just met. Most of these don’t really work so much for me anymore. The first glass of wine maybe, but after that it’s just a feeling of numbness and need for isolation. And to overcome that, more booze of course until she breaks. A line of coke does virtually nothing to elate me nowadays. Relationships – that’s a funny one. I’m in the one that is full of dangled webs to exes and lovers. Not from my side, mind you. So that’s not really giving the old distraction feel goods. I’m not getting a kick out of attention anymore, so getting some looks or a little flirt moves me not. Sex and masturbation seem to be pretty much off the table at the moment as well. Not sure where that energy is hiding. In fact, give that one back please!
Of course, I have read bookshelves worth of spiritual material. Love is what I’m after but I’m looking for it from without. Weirdly though, after ten years of listening to the teacher telling me to stop grasping, here I am doing exactly that. Or maybe that singing career would finally make me a happy person?!! Only joking.
So what’s she going to do? Keep moving, keep seeking? I’ve literally been stopped from doing anything. I’m sick as a dog and can only lay on my bed and type this. There is a difficult full moon ahead of us, say some astrologers. But I don’t even know if the difficult moon ever left to be able to make a come back. There’s something I’m carrying. It weighs heavier and heavier. I can see it on you too. You carry your load. Some of us know that it’s not compulsory to keep lugging all of this and that you can put your baggage down at any point. But rare are those who actually do it.
I’m full of questions but see no answers. I’ve lost the sigh of the cliff I want to jump off. I was so ready before and now I’ve gone to purgatory. Stuck, immobile, bitter at god! Why did you leave me behind? I was the one who behaved so well. Blessed are the meek! Take me, take me, take me!
I’m ready. Thank you, thank you, thank you.